This is something I’ve only shared with those closest’s to me: my new endocrinologist suspects I have Hashimoto’s disease… an autoimmune disease that would explain all of my symptoms and then some. It could be that missing link; the autoimmune condition that so many doctors (from primary to hematologist to rheumatologists over the years) have suspected without being able to pinpoint exactly what it was. How we got here has been quite the journey but it all started with an unexpected discovery: I tested negative for Addison’s disease.

You’ve read that correctly. I tested negative for Addison’s, something I’ve been carrying around with me for a long time. That is why I no longer refer to having Addison’s on social media; why I’ve now been saying the more generalize “adrenal insufficiency.” My new endo — whom I just started seeing at the beginning of this year — had me tested for Addison’s due to the conflicting diagnoses of my two former endos. I was told it was secondary adrenal insufficiency at first. That endo also gave me hope that it would one day heal. The second endo — who I only saw for 6 months before she retired — said it was Addison’s. So, the new one had me tested and I don’t have the markers for it. I still have adrenal insufficiency, but it doesn’t look like it’s Addison’s. Since I still have multiple symptoms and still need the medication, the endo decided to dig deeper after my latest thyroid ultrasound showed that I had a new thyroid nodule and that I’ve had an inflamed thyroid for at least 6 years.

None of my former doctors had mentioned the thyroid issues. NONE. I wasn’t even diagnosed with hypothyroidism until I was also diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency and bilateral optic nerve atrophy in October 2020. I’ve been on meds for the hypothyroidism since then as well. The meds have been working but I think it was a slew of new symptoms that tipped my new endo off.

I haven’t shared this publicly (though some friends in my close friends list on Instagram saw): I had lost most of my right eyebrow last year. Neither my primary nor dermatologist knew the exact cause of it, though the dermatologist theorized it could’ve been the adrenal insufficiency. I learned just this morning — thanks to that video with Gina — that that is actually a Hashimoto’s symptom. That along with several others — most of which have slowly popped up over the last year — point to Hashimoto’s with adrenal insufficiency being secondary and caused by the Hashimoto’s.  

Last week I went back to the ER due to new and somewhat troubling symptoms. I might not have Addison’s but I can still have an adrenal crisis with secondary A.I. My entire body felt weak yet heavy. All of my muscles were tense and stiff. My joints were as well. I felt too weak to even sit up. It was very similar to the symptoms I had with pancreatitis but the all-body stiffness was new as was the back pain. As soon as I saw that the back pain wasn’t going away, I made the decision to head to the ER because it’s one of the biggest adrenal crisis symptoms and you don’t mess with that. All tests came back normal. The doctor couldn’t figure out my latest symptoms and asked what my primary thought. I told him I didn’t know; he didn’t know about the latest symptoms. I couldn’t get a hold of my endo either which meant ER trip for me. This has been drilled into me by all endos in the last almost 3 years. When I got home, the thought to look up Hashimoto’s symptoms popped into my mind and, sure enough, they were all symptoms of a flare up. 

 Even though Hashimoto’s isn’t fun, it would be a huge sigh of relief for me. Getting the diagnosis I mean. It would allow me to try new things to help symptoms for this specific disease. It would also mean that the latent autoimmune disease that so many doctors have been waiting to diagnose has finally developed enough to have a proper diagnosis. 

I don’t know why but I feel like this is finally it; that I’m going to get the proper diagnosis that will help me get out of this terrible health rut I’ve been since November 2021. That’s when the fatigue got worse. That’s when I started spending almost all of my time in bed. That’s when all the other symptoms started popping up and the existing ones got worse. As I’ve learned from Gina’s experience, sometimes it takes years from the hypothyroidism diagnosis to get to the Hashimoto’s diagnosis. I just pray that God, in the Holy Spirit, will guide my doctors down the right path.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. I was going to wait until I got the test results for Hashimoto’s in early August but I felt a tug to share this now, especially with some well-meaning folks on social media insisting that I have other illnesses or trying to diagnose me and “cure me” based on their unofficial diagnoses. I thank them all very much for their concern but sometimes it’s a bit overwhelming because they don’t let things drop and they treat me like a stubborn unintelligent person and I don’t have the mental capacity (my brain fog, lack of concentration, and memory issues are getting worse — all Hashimoto’s symptoms) to deal with that.

I’m feeling very physically and mentally drained (thanks, neighbors who partied until very late last night) so I’m going to try to get a little nap in while the kids aren’t outside. 

I hope you are all doing well! And my apologies for not writing more often. It seems like I’ve had flare ups of multiple things all at once so I’ve been, basically, sleeping and simply trying to exist most days. 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

I never realized that God has given me everything I’ve ever asked for… even if it’s not been exactly as I had imagined. It took me reading — well, having Kindle read to me — Habits for Holiness by Fr. Mark-Mary Ames CFR that I realized this. Now, I’m writing this only 13% or so into the book so I’m sure I’ll learn more but I felt compelled to write this down.

Where I paused the book, Fr. Mark-Mary wrote about his experience with the Poor Clares in Honduras, specifically how small their cloister is and how much joy they have in that small space. As I listened to it, I could hear an inner voice saying, “This is what you wanted… and you got it.” It dawned on me that I had, for years, said that I wanted to be an anchoress (a female hermit) and even joked that I sometimes felt like an “urban hermit”… but it just clicked that God granted that desire.

Am I in a cloister? No. Am I in a rural area, on my own? No. I still live in an urban suburb of one of the largest/most populated cities in the U.S. (and possibly the world). But, in my own way and due to circumstances beyond my control, I am living like an anchoress. We rarely have visitors at our apartment due to my health. My doctors have still asked that visitors mask if they must be in our apartment or, better yet, that the visits take place outdoors… which isn’t possible since I’m basically in bed most days. Even though I live with my mom, it’s very much a roommate situation. She stays in her room for most of the day and I’m left to pray or do what I need to on my own in the living room. And, yes, I sleep in the living room — that wasn’t a typo. 

The bulk of my day is spent in prayer, as silent as I can manage since I’m easily distracted otherwise. And, honestly, it’s often one of the few things I can do. Even if all I can do is “simply existing” (as I sometimes say) on difficult health days, I’ve been taught by both my former Oblate master (Fr. Basil of the monks of Norcia) and my current spiritual director that in my suffering, I am doing a form of prayer. I’m always here to take prayer requests or be an ear to someone who needs to talk. And even then, I’m basically on my own until the person needs to talk again. Totally not complaining; just reflecting.

And this is only one example of prayers and desires God has granted me. Through my eyesight loss, my Addison’s diagnosis, my health journey, etc. I’ve gotten what I’ve asked of God. I will have to find the post I wrote over a decade ago, but I remember writing that I felt like God was calling me to be a writer. Even after getting my degree and going after two more (one in a different field), my illnesses and life circumstances have left me able to only (or primarily) write thanks to the advanced tools for visually impaired and the gift and graces God has given me. I can’t do much else… and that’s okay because I feel like this is where God wants me. (Side note: I am not currently writing for Epic Pew or any other publication because I became an unreliable writer and I did not like being unable to meet deadlines due to my constant flare-ups and other health issues.) All I wanted was to write for a living — or to simply have time to write — and I got it. 

I prayed for clarity on whether the man I thought I would marry would be the man God wanted me to marry. At the end of the first 9 days of that annual Rosary novena, I knew he wasn’t… and by the end of the novena I knew God was calling to do the “radical” thing of discerning consecrated virginity instead. I’ve been on that journey for the last 3+ years and it’s been wonderfully fulfilling in its own way. I wanted a husband, children, and a family… and I got them — just not like everyone else usually does.

God has given me everything I’ve ever wanted or prayed for… even if it wasn’t exactly what I thought I wanted. Even “unanswered” prayers were eventually answered, even if it was the opposite of what I was asking for. Instead, God has given me acceptance and even joy in not getting what I asked for because I know (even if some things are still not quite clear) that what He has for me is greater than what I could possibly ask for. Because that’s what a good Father does… and we have the best Father. 

Are there other desires in my heart at the moment? Yes… but I’ll let Him handle the timing of it, whether I get exactly what I’ve been praying for/about or not. Either way, I cannot go wrong opening my heart to Him and allowing Him to provide (or not) as necessary.

Anyway, just a quick little post that was inspired by Habits for Holiness. I still have a little over half an hour before I have to eat a snack for my last dose of hydrocortisone for the day so I’m going to go back to the book and see if I can get the rest of the first chapter in before then.

I hope y’all have a lovely weekend!

Just like the start of the annual 54-day Rosary last year, my Lent began day early. One of the most physically debilitating flare-ups in recent years. And that seemed to be the theme this Lent — physical weakness and exhaustion. I spent most of Lent in bed. At one point I felt so weak that I felt like I couldn’t even sit up in bed. I did have my moment of panic because this is one symptom you do *not* want to experience if you have Addison’s as it could signal an adrenal crisis. I kept reminding myself to trust in God; that if it was serious and I needed help, He would make sure I got it. Thankfully, I was okay and it was part of the flare-up. Still, it was wild. 

Most days I slept or felt like I couldn’t get enough sleep. I usually take a nap in between breakfast and lunch because of noisy neighbors and/or something else that keeps me up. Since I have to get up at 6:30 a.m. to take my first medication of the day, falling asleep after 11 p.m. (or being woken up in the wee hours of the day) means I don’t get good quality sleep. Still, sometimes even 2 naps per day weren’t enough. Lots of brain fog and general blah-ness accompanied it. As I keep telling my mom, I’m no good blind nor brain foggy. 

The flare-ups continue, every 2-3 weeks, almost like clockwork. I have a theory as to what might be triggering it but I’ve yet to figure out how to test this theory out. It’s been like this for the past 5 months, which is very unusual for me. I would normally get one every couple of months — and even went over a year without one when I was newly diagnosed with Addison’s — but something triggered these non-stop flare-ups and there’s nothing I can do about it. As the doctor said, there’s really not much we can do but treat it when it flares up… and do the bare minimum since my Addison’s and other medication allergies/intolerances won’t allow for a more aggressive treatment. 

As you can probably guess, I missed all the Lenten festivities. No Ash Wednesday for me. No Palm Sunday. No Holy Week. No Easter Mass. No confession at all. No Mass at all. Well, no in-person Mass. I don’t miss a daily or Sunday Mass live-streamed from the Knock Shrine. When they don’t have their Masses at a time when I’m awake (which is rare), I’ll look elsewhere but I didn’t miss a single one during Lent. I think that helped keep me somewhat on track during Lent. 

Most of the things I was supposed to do (or give up) during Lent…. I failed at. Miserably. Music was the hardest because it’s my first love… and I had a hard time with silence in recent months. I would log into Instagram (because I didn’t give up social media for Lent; it’s not a penance for me) and the reels would start playing… and I sometimes wouldn’t realize I was bopping along to the music until later. D’oh! But my willpower is weak and sometimes I would say, “well, this technically doesn’t have any lyrics in it… I was giving up music with lyrics before I added more to it….” Yeaaaahhh… I’m not proud of those moments but I’m glad they happened because it only helped emphasize how much I need Christ and what a weakling I am.

I *did* do well with giving up fiction though. It was so hard, especially giving in up as part of my bedtime routine to help me fall asleep, but I only slipped once when I listened to a small clip of an audiobook I didn’t know was coming out… and I didn’t go further when I realized what I was doing. 

I was supposed to be reading the biography of St. Gemma Galgani and go over it with my spiritual director but, honestly, I didn’t have the mental capacity for it. I only read the daily readings of the Holy Rule of St. Benedict and started the consecration to St. Joseph in late March but I don’t think I read much beyond that. If I did, I don’t remember. Like I said, I was so exhausted that my brain fog was quite pronounced. It was hard for me, because I’d always prided myself in being a bookworm and “having a brain” for things and I couldn’t even do those things. 

I felt so disconnected from the liturgical season. Feeling disconnected from God is no longer new for me. I’ve been struggling with being in and out of the spiritual desert since shortly after making my Final Act of Oblation. At this point I’ve accepted that I might be seeing a St. (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta type of situation for myself, in which I feel nothing but continue down the path I’ve chosen as a Benedictine oblate and as whatever God is calling me to as a vocation. I just go through the motions at this point — daily Rosary, daily Mass, all the Divine Office (except Matins), and some sort of spiritual reading, even if it’s a couple of pages per day. But I feel… nothing. I’m spiritually numb… and this is where I find the beauty in it.

I feel nothing… but I no longer *need* to feel anything. As a melancholic who feels things deeply, this is so strange to me… but this is where God’s grace kicks it. I don’t feel consolations, or anything, really but I continue to do what I promised out of love for God. Again, I don’t feel that love but I’m expressing it the best way I can, which is to stay faithful to my oblation. I absolutely cannot speak from experience, but I’m guessing it might be something akin to what happens in marriages. You don’t always *feel* the emotions and warm fuzzies towards your spouse but you’re still faithful to them out of love for them. 

If anything, this Lent really drove home how much I need Christ… and how committed I am to giving up my life for him. By that I don’t mean the obvious, though that’s included. By “giving up” my life I mean giving up my independence and selfishness. It means being at the service of the Church in any way Christ needs. It means struggling with the day-to-day on my own (in many ways) instead of having a physical spouse or partner help me carry that cross. It means that I’m willing and ready to say, “my life is no longer mine but Christ’s. May God do with me what He wills” and mean it on a deeper level than I had before. The wedding vows come to mind and, truly, I understand them in a way I hadn’t before… and without a physical groom.  

I just realized how long this post it getting so I’ll say two more things. First, I was ecstatic to have returned to our home parish for the first time in almost a year and a half on Easter Monday. We went for confession and would’ve stayed for Mass except we had to return home because a UPS package required a signature. But, it was the first time in several months (really, since October 27, 2021) that I felt well enough to actually go! I was in mid flare-up recovery as well which was miraculous. I hope to soon be able to return for an actual Mass.

Also, despite failing at being more silent during Lent, I didn’t realize how far I’d come along in terms of embracing silence. I’ve found myself seeking silence more often, even after Lent has ended. Example after watching Mass this past Sunday, there was a beautiful silence. It wasn’t entirely silent — you could hear the lively and cheerful twittering of the birds — but everything else was still. With the morning light streaming into the living room through the windows, I felt this wave of peace engulfing me. There was no hum of the dehumidifier, which had been running non-stop since winter. There were no noisy neighbors. There was nothing but birdsong and sunlight. It didn’t last too long but it lasted long enough to remind me of how far I’ve come since before Lent began. 

So, yes, Lent was difficult (and I didn’t even scratch the surface in other ways it was difficult) but it was also so beautiful in ways that mattered.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I would keep writing but nobody wants to read a book anymore. Haha! I gave up social media for the next month (to see if it helps with my brain fog) so I’ll see if I can write more often. It’ll all depend on my physical health as well.

I hope you’re all having a lovely start to the Easter season!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

Blessed Ash Wednesday, everyone! I wish I was donning ashes on my forehead like almost all of my other Catholic friends but, alas, another day stuck at home. It’s my third ash-less Ash Wednesday which stinks but God knows shy we were unable to attend even the local parish. 

Even though I’ve yet to attend Mass in person (soon to be 16 months) and get myself to confession (going on two and a half months now), I’m still living my life as liturgically as possible so we (Mom and I) are observing Lent in this household. I have no idea what she gave up, but I can share what I’ve given up.

I’ve chosen to give up a couple of things to may seem small but they are all significant in one way or another. I purposely chose one very hard thing and the other more moderately hard things because, well, I’m a “go big or go home” person and that’s a recipe for failure most of the time. That’s why the Benedictine life is perfect for me (moderation is key) and why I also run everything like this through my spiritual director. I wanted to do two big spiritual reading books and he had to veto the more intense one. I thank God for my SD every day because, goodness, I really do need someone to bring me down from my overachieving tendencies that leave me burnt out.

The big hard thing I’m giving up is music. Yes, you read that right. Yes, friends have already express their shock and wished me luck. Haha! For those of you who are new around here: music is my love language. It’s through music that I’ve often gotten answers to prayers and conundrums I’m dealing with. It’s through music that I’ve found I best express myself when my own words fail. It’s my safety blanket; my constant friend. But, I feel like God is asking me to give it up this Lent and embrace the silence. 

Even beyond the physical and mental advantages of having more silence, I really need it to be able to hear His voice. I’ve been slowly weaning myself from the constant soundtrack of white noise sounds, podcast episodes, audiobooks, etc. Silence is hard for me… which is why I decided to not listen to anything with lyrics. I will give Gregorian chants and music in Mass a free-pass because those are essential but I won’t actively seek it out. If I do need music — and sometimes I do need it for the sake of my sanity with the, ahem, special neighbors we have — it will be classical in nature… but even that will be reserved for dire situations. 

I’m also giving up audiobooks — and cancelling Audible for the foreseeable future — as well as fiction that is not Catholic in nature. There is a big reason why I’ve chosen this that is going to stay between God, my SD, and myself but let’s say that words have gotten me into trouble lately and I need to immerse myself in Scripture, words of the saints, and anything else that is edifying to my soul. This is also a big part of why novel four hasn’t seen the light of day yet… I want to be careful with not only what I’m consuming (in terms of media, literature included) but also what I’m putting out into the world. Words matter and never has that been more abundantly clear to me than it has in the last couple of weeks. And, yes, there will be a part two to this in the future,

 I’m also adding one thing to my list: daily Mass. I started it two weeks before Lent last year and I kept it up for several months until I started feeling more sick and decided that rest would be better because I was no longer paying attention in Mass. I felt terrible spacing out and/or getting so distracted that I would miss all of the Mass readings and/or the Mass in general. It felt disrespectful so I stopped. But I did notice the major difference between watching/listening to daily Mass and only tuning in on Sundays and, wow, yeah, I need daily Mass.

There is one other big thing I’m going to be doing during the Lent season but since it overlaps with Project 2005, I’ll keep it to myself for now. Yes, I will share it when I can reveal with the project was and what I did. I’m keeping notes of what I’m doing and when. 

Besides that, I’m going to try to keep the spirit of the season as well as I can. I think being Benedictine and trying to become a better Oblate will be very helpful during this season. Reading the Holy Rule of St. Benedict (which we’re to do every day) helps remind me of this. To keep my naturally talkative/joking style of speaking to a minimum and really see whether I’m telling a humorous story to benefit myself or to benefit someone else; hint: it’s usually for myself. Again, I want to be careful with my words — more so than I have been before — and following the Holy Rule will help remind me.

Anyway, just wanted to share my Lenten plans to keep myself accountable. I have some spiritual reading planned — one book on my own and one I’ll be discussing with my spiritual director — and I have one conference (possibly two) that I’ll be attending (virtually) during the Lenten season that I hope to share with y’all afterwards. 

Anyone else doing something that isn’t common (e.g. giving up social media) that they know won’t be easy for them? Please feel free to share.

That’s it for now. I’m going to go watch today’s daily Mass from bed (as usual) and try to keep the silence as well as I can for the rest of the day.

I hope you all have a good start to the Lenten season!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

P.S. For those who are following me on Instagram (@roseatefelicity) and are wondering if I’ll share about the “Blind Girl Achievements”, the answer is yes! Just give me a couple of days when I’m less busy so I can really sit down and write about the experience.

So… I returned to social media late last week… and almost had a panic attack in the process.. lol. I laugh to not cry. In all honesty, I simply felt overwhelmed. There were so many notifications on both Twitter and Instagram. I was included in long threads I didn’t participate on Twitter by people I didn’t know. One person decided to send me over 30 or so reels on Instagram in the month plus I was away… and I almost broke down and cried when I saw them. I had to take several deep breaths, try to use every tool into my mental health self-care arsenal, and delete the DMs I could to post the mini photo dump I shared. 

I took a break from social media because I was overwhelmed by the amount of content — especially reels — so seeing that I was thrown back in without chance to test the waters really got to me. I lasted a full 24 hours or so before I deleted the app and didn’t log in again until today. And the only reason I logged in today was because news broke that Gustavo Dudamel is leaving the L.A. Philharmonic for New York and I wanted to see if any local friends would be interested in going to one of his last concerts before he left.

I don’t know if it’s my Addison’s, a product of my senses being overwhelmed because they’re trying to overcompensate for the lack of eyesight, or if I’m still not over the digital burnout, but I just can’t do too much all at once. I just recently discovered that the dehumidifier we got last year for our apartment — which we run all night and on rainy days because our apartment gets very humid very quickly — makes my nerves even more frazzled. Since we’ve had a couple of warmer than normal days, we haven’t needed the dehumidifier and the difference with the noise level is incredible. I’m less anxious and less fatigued (and I sleep better when we can afford to turn it off). If a simple machine that “only” causes that feeling of overwhelm on a white noise level physically and mentally tires me out, you can imagine what the sights and sounds of social media does to my system. 

This isn’t new. In fact, it was worse. I was overly sensitive to noises when I first lost my eyesight. While I got little rest at the hospitals during my nearly month-long stay at two different ones in late 2020, getting home was worse. We live in a large apartment building with many children and lots of parties so I didn’t get much sleep. When my eyesight was worse — before recovering a bit more residual eyesight — kids running in front of our second-floor apartment used to make me very nervous because I never knew if it was an earthquake or a child running… unless the child was also yelling. Sounds make me jumpy, especially if I can’t identify what they were. I get startled even more easily than I ever have. It’s not fun. And, while I’m grateful I’ve gotten reached a point where I can stand a bit more than before, overwhelmed senses are still something I’m trying to learn to manage… and that’s a big part of why I decided to cut my time on social media.

The other part stands — a lot of people just look for reasons to argue and twist words and ain’t nobody got time for that. I was so angry when I saw that the Grammy winner for Best New Artist, Samara Joy, was dragged by fans of other Best New Artist nominees. The only thing the poor girl (and I consider her a girl because she’s much younger than I am) did was win. That was it. I think she had less than 150k followers on social media, which isn’t surprising because she’s a young artist in a genre that gets almost no attention these days (jazz). I’ve seen nothing controversial from or about her… and yet people chose to be absolutely nasty towards her. Some decided to insult her using racist slurs. Others decided to use very, ahem, colorful language to call her all these names that I won’t repeat. And seeing that type of unjust and vile stuff makes me very angry.

So, couple my very sensitive (to stimulation) system with my very passionate nature and… yeah, social media and I can only be infrequent acquaintances. My body has enough to deal with with my Addison’s, my chronic inflammatory skin, and every day stressors. I don’t need to add the utter craziness that exists on social media to the mix as well. Returning to social media only emphasized what a great idea it was for me to take a break… and why I need to keep my assigned social media days. My mental — and physical — health need it.

For the tl;dr crowd: I almost had a panic attack returning to social media and I’m keeping myself away from it as much as I can for the sake of my health. You know, just in case you were wondering how my first couple of days back to social media went. 

And that’s it. A sort of quick update. I’m not feeling well today and I want to rest as much as I can sans light and sounds. I’ve had a migraine since Sunday and it’s still on its way out so I want to take it easy. I slept several hours yesterday and the only reason why I’m not asleep right now is because my neighbors are being loud. Thankfully, I definitely have things to offer this up for so the suffering won’t go to waste. Lol.

Oh! And shoutout to Mrs. G who kindly took my beeswax candles — which I ordered from Clear Creek Abbey’s gift shop — to get blessed last week when I couldn’t even sit up during my latest flare-up. She brought them over today and I’m so tempted to light one right now.

I hope you are all doing well! 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

There are many reasons why this topic has been on my mind a lot more than usual in recent weeks. Some of the reasons are going to stay between God, my spiritual director, and myself, but the main reason (which I can share) is due to my vocation discernment.

As I wrote a few weeks ago, I’m “done” with active discernment of a particular vocation. As in, I’m as certain as I can be without making it official. I need to meet with my spiritual director to see where I’m going to go from here but I’m fairly certain I know what God is calling me to and I believe my spiritual director agrees. It’s been a 3+ year journey that’s had its ups and downs but one I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. As I wait to meet with my SD, a lot of my past relationships (my “love life”) have come up.

I thought about the guys I dated and all my experiences with fellas before choosing to discern consecrated virginity. As my oldest friends will attest, I often kept my relationships to myself because of my intense dislike of people prying into my personal life. To paraphrase the husband of a good friend, “it looks like you share a lot but you’re very careful about what you actually share… and it’s not a lot.” 

I looked closely at how toxic some of my past relationships were, either because the guy was a jerk or because I was too immature or a combination of the two. I saw where I fell short and where things that happened were my fault. At the same time, I recognized that I was right in not wavering from any boundary pushing some of the former fellas tried. Some of the memories were difficult to look back on, but it was all necessary. I reflected on all the major mistakes I avoided making, thanks be to God, and how He kept me from making decisions I would’ve regretted. 

I thought about the ways in which I was a good girlfriend and how being in certain relationships brought out the best in me. I hadn’t realized how much more I embraced my femininity than when I was in a relationship… and it went beyond just dressing up or anything like that. I have a maternal heart and really *do* love taking care of others, even if that means simply praying for them from afar. 

I looked at how, during my “active discernment”, both guys from my past and new guys popped up at the least expected moments. If you thought there would be no guys around because I had chosen to discern CV, you’d be mistaken. Nothing happened with any of them, of course, but i learned it was par for the course. Some guys see this type of discernment as a challenge they want to win. Other guys simply enter your orbit without any nefarious intentions. Just like seminarians and other men and women discerning religious vocations, there have been temptations to stop discerning consecrated virginity because some of these guys were really great and the desire for a family has and will continue to always be there. 

When it first happened, I was both peeved and scared. I didn’t want a guy to derail me from a discernment path I thought was the right one for me. I didn’t want any of the temptations. I didn’t want to look at what I was willingly giving up by discerning CV. I was scared that I, a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, would end up having certain people gloat with “I told you so!” If I ended up abandoning the discernment because I wasn’t “strong enough” to keep discerning. A good, honest chat with my SD helped me through it. I realized that what the guy in question — someone from my past — needed was prayers and that my heart was stirred out of a maternal love for him. I ended up adopted him a spiritual son… though he doesn’t know it.

The second time it happened, I was annoyed because, “Ugh, again?!” It was a new guy. I knew I had to bring it up to my SD again and that made me embarrassed because I thought he would think I still hadn’t learned from the last guy. But, I told him and I removed myself from any situation in which I would see or hear him again. Instead, I started praying for him.

The third time, I was used to it (ha!). I prayed for him as I did the other two guys, tried to limit any interactions, and I told my SD. My SD had to remind me that I would never be completely immune to occasionally having feelings stirred in my heart because I was human and I didn’t automatically become a robot upon starting my discernment. Still, I had to look at the possibility that maybe these guys were around for a reason I didn’t particularly want to consider. I didn’t want to consider that it meant I wasn’t called to be a consecrated virgin. It scared me. It confused and annoyed me. I brought it all to my SD and I took it all to prayer. 

I eventually came to this conclusion — and the reason why I thought about my romantic past: I have always felt that I have a big heart, which I’ve often described as overflowing with love, ready to be poured out for others. One day I’ll find that blog post, which I wrote several years ago, to prove it. I thought it looked a certain way — one that fit into a neat little box. What I discovered is that i was all wrong. What I didn’t realize was that I’ve been doing it all along, even when I was dating, just in ways I wasn’t expecting.

I poured out that love into my family and friends before boys entered the picture. Then into my romantic relationships. For the last couple of years, I’ve chosen to take that love and pour it into Christ and the Church in a bigger way than I had before. For the last three years, I’ve chosen to let go of a dream of an earthly spouse and my own biological (or adoptive) children for a greater Spouse and a bigger family if it was God’s will for me. And it’s been thanks to the great guys popping up during my discernment that I became certain of my vocation.

There is a part two (already written) to this. I hope to share it once I’m able to more freely talk about what’s next for me. For now I’ll simply say that as difficult as the journey has been — especially during the times of spiritual aridity — I’m so incredibly grateful God allowed me to have the experiences of the last 3+ years. 

That’s it for now. I actually wrote this post right after I published the last one but waited to post it so there wouldn’t be so much material in a single day. This was not all I wanted to share from the last month but it’ll do for now. 

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊